LASER PONIES FROM OUTER SPACE!
COLT CLASSICS
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AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you notice any plot holes, good. Also, I apologize if the 50’s dialogue and stereotypes are overdone. They overdo it in the movies, so complain to them.
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AND NOW FOR YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
A STALLION PICTURES PRODUCTION...
LASER PONIES FROM OUTER SPACE!
(MADE IN CINERAMA)
Unknown to the ponies of Equestria, evil aliens from worlds beyond looked upon Equestria with hate and jealousy. Everyday they planned for an invasion of this land and to end pony-kind forever!
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Things at first seemed mighty fine at the turn of the century. Electricity was put to use, carriages were being made in assembly lines, and ragtime was the cat’s meow. Equestria then entered the First Great War. Though many of the golden generation lost their lives, Equestria came out victorious and became a lavish country full of flapponies, jazz, silent movies, and yes, prohibition and gangsters. But then, the Depression. Millions lost their jobs and barely had enough money for basic needs. The Second Great War suddenly broke out against the Nightmare Nation. Princess Celestia became elected into office and waged war with Nightmare Moon. After many glorious battles, Equestria became the leading (and wealthiest) country once again and Luna became Vice Princess when the darkness left her.
Ten years later, the 1950’s. A lot changed since the turn of the century. Carriages were now built to go longer distances, rock-n-roll became the fad, and the Equestrian dream so idealized by everypony was now reality. Colts would usually spend their days going to school, riding around in their carriages, and trying to go steady, or “get pinned,” with the ponies around them. The television was recently invented and now the whole family could be together for the night watching their favorite programs. Each house was nice and cozy, full of the latest inventions, and surrounded by a white picket fence. Life, well, it was pretty great for everypony.
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One evening in Ponyville, the baby dragon Spike was sitting in the library, reading a Supercolt comic book. Twilight walked through the front door and put her apron on. “Hello, Twilight!” Spike said and gave her a hug.
“Hello, Spike,” Twilight said. “How’s your comic book?”
“Gee, Twilight, it’s swell! Supercolt is the greatest hero ever! Say, can I go to the soda shop and get a milkshake?”
“Not now, Spike, I’m making dinner!”
“Oh, hot dog!” Twilight went to the kitchen and made a hay sandwich for herself and a gemstone sandwich for Spike. Spike prepared the table and sat down to eat his sandwich. “This sandwich is good! Thank you, Twilight!”
“You’re welcome, Spike.” Twilight leaned over and patted Spike’s head. “Now head up to bed, Spike. You have another day ahead of you and you don’t want to sleep through it!”
“But Twilight! The Ricky Jones Show is going to be on in thirty minutes!” Spike looked over the green television, picturing the image of the mustachioed colt famous for his plaid suit and radio voice on the screen.
“When you’re older, Spike. Now go to your room and get some shut-eye.”
“Shucks.” Spike ran up to his room and pulled the covers over him. His eyelids closed and he began sleeping.
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The baby dragon slept peacefully through the night until he was awakened by a bright green light coming from outside of the library. He sat up in his bed and saw a strange glowing object come from the skies and hover above the apple fields a few miles away. As soon as he laid his eyes on the object, he ran into Twilight’s room and shouted, “Twilight! There’s something outside my window! It might be UFO! Come on!” Twilight mumbled something and was dragged by Spike from her bed to his room. The two peered out his window, but the object was not there.
“Oh, Spike,” Twilight murmured, patting Spike’s head, “you probably just saw it in a dream.”
“But Twilight! I did see a UFO! I swear I did!”
“Spike, there are no such things as UFOs. Now go back to bed.”
“Oh, alright!” Spike went back into his bed and Twilight left his room. Though he was tired, Spike did not look away from his window for the rest of the night.
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Spike woke up the next day at noon and went downstairs for a hearty lunch made by Twilight. He walked out of the library and went past the white picket-fenced houses sitting on either side of the street as he made his way to Sweet Apple Acres. He whistled the Ricky Jones Show theme song during his journey and stepped in pace with the song. He stopped dead in his tracks, however, when he saw a large extraterrestrial object sitting in one of the apple fields, the same object as the one he saw last night. It was huge and circular in shape with little legs coming out from the bottom so it could sit in place. It’s design was sleek so that it could go through the atmosphere smoothly and it let out puffs of steam and flashed green lights occasionally. On the top of it was a small, clear dome. “A real UFO,” Spike said to himself. After a brief second of staring, Spike ran over to the barn and knocked on the door.
Mr. Macintosh opened the door. He was a big, strong colt who wore a straw fedora and chewed on a bit of wheat as he gave Spike a friendly smile. “Well, hello thar Spike!” Mr. Macintosh said with his usual calmness. “Wha’ can I do ya’ for?”
“Mr. Macintosh!” Spike shouted. “There’s a UFO in one of your apple fields! Come with me and look for yourself!” Mr. Macintosh, though confused by the baby dragon’s beckoning, followed Spike anyway to the apple field to see an actual UFO sitting there.
“Well Ah’ll be darned!” Mr. Macintosh said in astonishment. “That thar is an actual UFO!” The dome of the UFO suddenly opened up, causing Spike and Mr. Macintosh to jump back, and two green mane-less equines with big black eyes rose to the top. A platform then extended from the top and slammed down on the ground. The aliens walked down the platform and approached Spike and Mr. Macintosh. Spike hid behind Mr. Macintosh and he extended his hoof. “Greetins’ aliens! My name be Mr. Macintosh and Ah’d like to say welcome to Equestria!” The two aliens looked at each other and nodded. One of the aliens suddenly pulled a laser blaster gun and shot Mr. Macintosh with a laser. Mr. Macintosh glowed green and then vaporized into thin air.
“Oh no!” Spike shouted. “Not Mr. Macintosh! You heartless scum!” The aliens then shot lasers at Spike, but Spike dodged them and ran back to library.
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Twilight sat on the couch in front of the television, folding the laundry as she watched. “Sometimes the colts won’t always see you,” said the blue pony on the television. “Sometimes, you need to put yourself out there. Colts like women who walk up and talk to them. So the next time you’re in public, don’t be shy to be a little conversational!” The door swung open and Twilight lunged at the television to turn it off. She turned around to see Spike standing before her, panting and coughing.
“Twilight! There are aliens out there!” Spike said after catching his breath. “They just vaporized Mr. Macintosh and they’re coming for us!”
Twilight facehoofed and walked over to Spike. “Spike, what did I tell you about all this alien talk?”
“But Twilight-” Spike was interrupted when the two aliens busted through the door.
“Aliens!” Twilight shouted. Spike and Twilight dodged the lasers being shot at them and ran out of the library, heading off to city hall to talk to the mayor.
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The mayor was sitting behind her desk, drinking her tea, only to spill it when Twilight and Spike busted through the door. “Knocking has become a thing of the past, hasn’t it?” said the mayor in exasperation.
“Mayor, you may not believe this,” Twilight explained to the mayor, “but there are actual aliens in this city and they are vaporizing everyone in this town!”
“Nonsense!” The mayor declared. She looked through her window and then looked back at them. “Oh my. Actual aliens are in this city and they are vaporizing everyone in this town. A letter must be sent to Celestia informing her of this!” Twilight wrote up a letter and Spike sent it off.
“I sure hope Celestia does something!” Spike said hopefully. Twilight hugged him and they watched the aliens terrorizing everypony.
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The royal Equestrian office was littered with papers and bills to be passed of vetoed. Mostly vetoed. Princess Celestia was asleep behind her desk when she was suddenly awakened by a loud bang. A letter from Twilight landed gently on her desk and Celestia undid the seal. The letter said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Aliens are attacking Ponyville and we need your help! Send reinforcements or something!
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
“Of course the aliens attack Ponyville,” Celestia said to herself. “Everything apparently happens in Ponyville!” She then picked up the phone and dialed a number into it. “Hello? Secretary of War? What? No time for that! There are aliens in Ponyville! Send your tanks and your colts to Ponyville to stop the aliens or we’re doomed!”
Vice Princess Luna walked through the door. “I saw the Secretary of War was phoned,” informed Luna. “What’s happening?”
Celestia glanced at her sister, paused for an uncomfortably long time and said, “Aliens.”
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Equestria was caught in a panic. Ponies were running about frantically and fillies were crying for their parents. The following is taken from the Ricky Jones Show: “Hello, Equestria, I’m Ricky Jones. First off, it appears aliens have invaded Equestria. WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!” Ponies everywhere locked their doors and windows, gathered weapons, and barricaded themselves in their homes. This might be end of the world!
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The 132 Infantry and Cavalry Regiment marched from Canterlot to Ponyville. It was 3 o’clock when the tanks and colts arrived. The commanding general of the regiment gave the order to fire and the aliens were bombarded with bullets, rockets, and grenades. When the smoke cleared, the aliens were still there, unharmed by the attack. The aliens then fired lasers at the army. Tanks and colts disappeared instantly and the army started to retreat. Up in city hall, Spike, Twilight, and the mayor watched the massacre from the window. “We got to do something!” Spike said. Spike thought for a second and then came up with an idea. “Hey! How about we go to the UFO, grab their laser blaster guns, and use them against the aliens!”
“That’s insane!” Twilight remarked
“Do we have a choice here?” asked Spike.
Twilight bit her lip and then said “Fine.” She and Spike left city hall and made the long run to the apple fields.
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Spike and Twilight finally reached the apple field where the UFO was. “So, what do we do?” Twilight asked.
“Maybe we can go up the platform and then we will be lowered into the ship!” Spike suggested. Twilight was not at all sure if this was right, but she ascended the platform to the top of it anyway. The platform then retracted into the UFO and Spike and Twilight were lowered into the spaceship. The UFO’s interior was rusty and dank, lit only by some dim lights and the sunshine coming through the dome. Pipes lined the walls everywhere and there were two control panels, on one side of the UFO to pilot the ship, the other on the other side to fire the laser blaster cannons. “Twilight,” said Spike in awe, “this is...creepy.”
“I know, Spike, that’s why we need to grab the laser blaster guns and get out quickly!” Spike and Twilight walked around the ship, looking at the television screens, jars with strange organisms in them, and tanks of lime-green colored liquids. They finally saw a locker with the word “Weapons” above it and they threw open the doors to see a large cache of laser blaster guns. Spike removed one of them and the alarms suddenly blared.
A monotone voice declared, “You have invaded this ship. Prepare to die.” Turrets sprang out from the walls and began shooting lasers at Twilight and Spike, who evaded them at all costs. One laser hit one of the tanks with the green liquid, causing a blinding explosion. When the smoke cleared, a large hole was made in the side of the spaceship.
“Quickly, Spike!” Twilight said. “Through there!” Spike and Twilight jumped through the hole and ran from the UFO with one laser blaster gun in hand.
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The city was half-destroyed, whatever was still up was probably on fire, and the army was taking evasive actions. Spike shooed Twilight away and took in a deep breath. He walked quietly behind the aliens and then stood in the middle of the street proudly. “Hey aliens!” shouted Spike, aiming his laser blaster gun at one of the aliens and firing. The alien was hit and he vaporized. The other alien saw this and fired a laser back at Spike. Spike dodged the laser and fired one at the other alien. The other alien was also hit and he vaporized. Ponyville fell silent.
Ponies peered out the windows and holes in the walls and the army stood up from their defensive points. They all walked towards the baby dragon and made a circle around him. “Three cheers for the baby dragon who has defeated the aliens!” One of the soldiers shouted. The whole town suddenly erupted in cheering and lifted Spike above their heads. Spike had defeated the aliens!
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The next day, a ceremony was held in Spike’s honor in Canterlot. Around the hall hung large red curtains and massive pictures of Spike. Tables adorned with champagne and flowers scattered the floor in front of the stage. The stage itself was big, with a long table facing horizontal to the audience, a podium with the Equestrian flag in front of it, and a large picture of Spike’s face at the stage’s back. The hall gradually filled up until there was no room for anyone.
In the middle of the ceremony, Celestia went in front of the podium. “For his bravery and quick thinking,” Celestia announced, “I am awarding Spike the Non-Pony of the Year award!” The audience cheered and Celestia stepped down to let Spike speak.
“Golly,” Spike said when he was at the podium, “this sure is swell!” Everypony laughed and Equestria was a happy place once again.
OR WAS IT?!? Just then, three UFOs broke through the hall’s walls. Spike grabbed his laser blaster gun and shot at them, but no notable damage was done. One of the UFOs then turned on its tractor beam and beamed up Princess Celestia, Vice Princess Luna, and Spike. “Spike!” Twilight shouted, sitting helpless in her seat as the UFOs flew off.
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Spike, Celestia, and Luna lied on the floor of the UFO looking up at the many aliens pointing their laser blaster guns at them. “Who are you?” Spike demanded.
“We are the Maretians!” one of the aliens proclaimed. “We are bringing you to our leader King Zolarr!” The UFOs flew out of the atmosphere and joined the fleet flying back to the planet Mares.
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INTERMISSION
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Be sure to stop by the drive-in lobby to get some fun film food! We have popcorn, soda, hay, wheat, and Pinkie Cupcakes!
LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY!
LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY!
LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY
TO GET OURSELVES A TREAT!
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Hey colts, do your teeth lack that pearly white shine that the ponies go crazy for? Well now from Colgate comes Colgate Pearl Toothpaste! It fights plaque and bacteria, and it has a minty scent to make the ponies go head-over-hooves. 9 out 10 dentists recommend it, but that one dentist must be lonely because he doesn’t use Colgate Pearl Toothpaste!
IF YOU WANT TO BE CLEAN
AND HAVE YOUR TEETH BE SEEN,
BUYING COLGATE TOOTHPASTE
IS REALLY KEEN!
So buy some Colgate Pearl Toothpaste soon and make the ponies swoon!
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The year is 1930. Prohibition is still alive. Al Capony, the most dangerous gangster in Chicacolt. Stalliot Ness, the one colt who swore to bring him down. Now on your television set comes the most action-packed program ever. “The Uncloppables!” Starring Penny Pasta and Copper Badge. Viewer discretion is advised. Appearing on Channel 18 on July 17 at 8:00 pm EST.
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AND NOW, BACK TO OUR MOVIE!
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The UFOs broke into the Maretian atmosphere and began descending onto the red, rocky surface. The planet seemed uninhabited except for the large metallic cube that was King Zolarr’s palace and the many UFOs that stood on the ground in the UFO station. Celestia and Luna attempted to use their magic against the aliens, but somehow couldn’t. “Foolish ponies,” one of the aliens said with a cackle. “Our Maretian technology suppresses unicorn and alicorn magic!”
The UFOs landed on the the Maretian surface and the three were marched out of the spaceship towards the palace. The palace’s metallic walls were like mirrors as they reflected the planet around them. It lacked windows facing the outside and only had two, large bronze-ish doors in front. One of the aliens pressed a code into a panel on the palace’s side and the massive doors swung open. They then journeyed through rooms with unknown purposes, hallways that seemed to last forever, and other areas of the palace until they went into a vast room that was bare aside from the large metallic throne at the back.
Sitting on the large metallic throne was an alien who was taller than the rest of the aliens. He was adorned with a crown and a cape and held a scepter in his hoof. He even had a mustache. “Welcome to Mares, ponies...and baby dragon,” the king said. “I am King Zolarr. You will be staying here for quite a long time.”
Spike stepped forward. “What are you going to do to us?” he asked.
“Horrible, painful tests that will drain the life from you,” King Zolarr answered with a laugh.
“Is this your plan?” asked Celestia. “You want to take over Equestria and kill off all of the ponies?”
“Yes,” stated the king, “In fact, this is Plan 10. Plans 1-8 failed and Plan 9...it’s best not to talk about Plan 9. Throw them in the dungeon!” Some aliens came up and dragged the three from the throne room.
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After going through more halls, they were thrown into a dirty room with bars on the walls and door.
“Oh no. Don’t tell me the princesses have been captured, too.” The three turned around to see a cyan unicorn and a cream-colored earth pony with purple and pink hair sitting on the far side of the dungeon.
“Who are you?” Luna asked.
The cyan one stepped forward. “I’m Lyra,” she said. “This is Bon-Bon. We’ve been here for...seven months?” Lyra looked back and Bon-Bon shrugged. “Seven months,” she continued, looking back at the three. “But I can’t believe they captured you, the princesses. By the way, who’s the dragon?”
“This is Spike,” Celestia answered. “He saved Ponyville from an alien attack.”
“Ponyville?!” Bon-Bon shrieked. “How bad is it?”
“Only half the city is destroyed,” said Celestia. “Spike here stopped the aliens from destroying the other half.”
“Oh,” said Bon-Bon. “Well, um, thanks for that.”
“So what are we going to do now?” Spike asked.
“Well, you know, I’ve been thinking of something for some time now,” Lyra said, “and I couldn’t have done it before because it was just Bon-Bon and me here. But since I now have all of you guys, I think it can work out.” Lyra looked at their excited countenances and she smiled as she continued with her plan. “You, Spike. I need you to act like you’re in pain. A guard will come through that door to check up on you. These Maretians need healthy lifeforms, you know. When the guard walks in, I need you princesses to pin him down while Bon-Bon and I knock him unconscious. These Maretians are very strong, so be ready. When he’s down, the best shot of all of us will retrieve the laser blaster gun, and being you vanquished the aliens in Ponyville, that will be you, Spike. OK?” Everyone nodded. “OK. Spike, start coughing or gagging or something.” Spike began to moan and cough loudly until a loud knock was heard on the door.
“Shut up in there!” the guard demanded.
“But guard, I’m in terrible pain!” Spike shouted. The door opened and the alien walked in. Celestia and Luna rammed into the guard and held him on the ground as Lyra and Bon-Bon bucked him. After a brief moment, Lyra and Bon-Bon stopped and Spike took the laser blaster gun from the alien’s holster.
“Well,” Lyra stated, “that went nicely.” The five of them then left the dungeon.
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The five were now in the halls outside the dungeon, one of them holding a laser blaster gun. “Alright,” said Lyra, “Bon-Bon and I have been scouting out this entire palace and we know where everything in this palace is. What we need to do now is get to the weapons room and arm ourselves. This way.” They all scurried through the extraterrestrial labyrinth, going through hallways that bent and winded throughout the palace, all the while avoiding being seen by the guards.
They finally reached the room marked “Weapons” and went inside. To describe accurately, it was like Boba Fett’s closet. Laser blaster guns of all sizes, shapes, and purposes line the walls. The ponies grabbed the weapons as Spike stood guard in front of the door. Now all armed, the five left the room. Once again they navigated their way through the Maretian palace, going through endless hallways and evading guards.
Finally, they were standing in front of the massive palace doors. Lyra walked over to the panel and put in the code. The doors swung open and the outside world of Mares was now open to them. They began walking outside when they suddenly heard running of many hooves from one of the halls. “Guards!” Lyra shouted. “Run!” The five ran outside pursued by the Maretian guards. Lasers flew all around them as they ran toward the UFO station. Arriving at the station, Lyra pressed a code on one of the UFO’s panel, causing the dome to open and a platform to come out and land on the ground. Lyra ushered them all onto the UFO as she fired at the guards and then joined them as they descended into the UFO’s interior.
“I’ll pilot the spaceship,” said Celestia. “Spike, you man the laser blaster cannons.” The UFO shook and then lifted up from the ground. It hovered for a second and then soared off into space. The at first peaceful voyage back home was interrupted by laser blaster cannon fire from the Maretian fleet in pursuit. Spike began firing at the UFOs, hitting a good deal of them. Some of the UFOs flew in front of theirs and began firing. Celestia spun the ship around and Spike took out the ones in front. A dogfight comparable to the ones in the Great Wars was now afoot. Just kidding, it was a battle.
Their UFO was now approaching the moon. Celestia dipped the spaceship down and pulled up at the last second, causing a few of the UFOs to crash. A lucky enemy UFO hit the side of theirs, creating a large hole in its side. Celestia, Spike, Lyra and Bon-Bon all grabbed onto the ship, but Luna began sliding away. “NO!” Luna screamed. “I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS AGAIN!”
“I got you!” Lyra shouted and grabbed onto Luna’s hoof as Bon-Bon held firmly on Lyra’s. Lyra and Bon-Bon pulled Luna away from the hole with all their might. Spike removed a wide door from one of the lockers and threw it at the hole. The door flew over and was held in place by the vacuum of space, causing the hole to be covered. Spike took out the rest of the UFOs as their UFO began its rapid descent to Equestria.
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Twilight sat alone in her library, saddened by the loss of Spike, Celestia, and Luna. Her melancholic thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a faint rumbling sound from outside. She ran from the library and saw a fiery UFO hurtling right at Ponyville!
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Inside the UFO, the five were in a panic. “How do you land this thing?!” Luna shouted.
“I don’t know!” shouted Celestia. They all watched in horror as the ground gradually came nearer and nearer. “I have a plan! I’ll set the UFO to self-destruct and we’ll fly out of here!”
“What about me?!” shouted Spike, Lyra, and Bon-Bon.
“Spike and Lyra can go on my back and Bon-Bon can go on Luna’s!” Celestia ordered. They all nodded and Celestia hit the self-destruct button.
The monotone voice began counting down. “10...9...8...” The top opened up. “...7...6...5...” Spike, Lyra, and Bon-Bon got onto Celestia’s and Luna’s backs. “...4...3...2...” They all flew out of the UFO. “...1...0!” The UFO exploded and little miniscule bits of the UFO rained down on the fields outside of Ponyville. Celestia and Luna gently landed in Ponyville and Spike, Lyra and Bon-Bon stepped off of the princesses’ backs. The citizens cheered once again and Twilight ran over to them to hug Spike. The Maretians were defeated and the five made it back home. Equestria was TRULY a happy place once again. The end.
Dedicated to Ed Wood and Tim Burton, the maker of the movie “Ed Wood.”